Or-How I tortured myself and came out the other side.
I am sweaty, I feel gross and I need a shower like nobody’s buisness but I need to blog this. I don’t won’t to ever forget this.
I made a pact with myself today to walk on the treadmill. I am the type of person who gets bored very easily if I feel I am not being mentally challenged with something so I decided I would make myself walk for seven songs on my MP3 player. I could not believe the internal war I had with myself and it went like this.
First song,
Fat side “oh god i do not want to walk, i have things around the house to do”
Thin side “shut up fatty and just freaking walk on the treadmill”
Fat side “but the kids are whinning, i need to get off and take care of them”
Thin side “you have a responsible ten year old, he will tell you if something is wrong…”
I thought that first song would never end. It was an upbeat song but my legs felt heavy and I felt tired but I pushed through.
By the third song my thin side was calling my fat side a big fat baby for wanting to cry and quite like a big fat baby. I had started to sweat. I was terrified. I have severe allergies and during the summer I had started to break out in hives whenever I had sweat, making me swell up. It resembelled the beginnings of an anaphylaxis reaction and I do not want to drop dead on my kids and husband just because of exercising….maybe I should stop and be happy fat.
Thin side “Hell no, turn the freaking fans up and push through the fear”
On the fourth song, Eminem’s “Lose Yourself’ came on. My fat and thin side stopped calling eachother names and tentitevly shook hand and called a truce.
My legs had stopped hurting and I felt a little lighter almost. My feet were not dragging so much and I had stopped mentally beating myself up.
On the fith song my oldest son came into the dark living room where I was on the treadmill and opened a window…it seems sort of poetic. A bright light enters a dark room and chases away the shadows. My fear of sweating had disapated and for the first time since I had broken out in hives during the summer I allowed my body a full on sweat.
When the 6th song came on I for some reason noticed that I was not breathing as heavy. My feet started to feel like machines, just going through the motions.
On the seventh song I made a decision, I would keep going. I would do 10 songs. It was a struggle not to look down and see how long I had been walking…how many calories I had burned etc.
On the eighth song I became the music. I was no longer the heavy body under me, I was the music. I was the motivation, and the driving flowing rhythm pushing the body underneith me to move.
The ninth song was a breeze and I think I even gave myself a mental pat on the back.
The tenth song was a struggle, I think because I knew it was coming to an end. I let myself start feeling what my body was going through, the sweat, my aching feet, my legs felt heavier. I felt everything then, and no longer felt so out of body….I hated it.
I knew I needed a cool down so I switched off my workout songs list and put on my favorites. I picked Coldplay’s “lights will guide you home” I laughed when I realized the organ music in the songs background sounded like a darn funeral. I decided I would not let myself think this was some weird sign that I was going to die if I did not exercise but rather it was a re-birth. I am claiming ME back. The me that used to wake up in junior high school and run 5 miles before school…not because I had to but because that endrenaline rush from the shear pleasure was irresistable. Because being alive felt good and I Wanted to really live!
The song ended and I made a promise to myself, like the lyrics say “light’s will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” I would fix my body that has been so good to me….
results: :59 minutes and not one second more…lol
2.27 miles
322 calories burnes (it ticks me off that my exercise log shows I burned less calories…sigh)_
Food Log
Exercise Log
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